Anastasia's Closet

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Oh...........I truly do not remember the last time I felt so mentally unstable. One of these days, I fear I will not be able to contain these unpleasantries - I fear that they will rear their ugly head in some place and at some time other than when I am alone. I simply do not have the will to fight it anymore, to be honest. And I am so incredibly sick of trying. It is so taxing.....
And I thought that once the stress of work had lessened, I would feel a lot better. But I don't. I feel worse now than I did before - I have nothing to focus on other than how miserable I am. There is nothing to ponder other than how fucked up I have let myself become - and how scared I am of the truth - and how scared I am to talk to anyone about the truth. Does it really matter to anyone why I am this way? Does anybody really give a shit WHY? no.
I just feel so strongly that if I completely disappeared right now, it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference to anyone other than my dog.
I can't even write this write now - I just want to vomit. I want to put myself out of this misery once and for all, because I am so incredibly sick of everything and everyone. Nothing brings me any joy anymore. I feel like I am about to hit bottom again, and I am not sure if I am going to come back up for air this time. I am sure I hate myself more than anyone else could ever hate me......... right? I loathe myself so much that I can't imagine that there is someone else out there that despises me this much. All I can think about right now is climbing into bed and never waking up. "Getting out of bed in the morning is an act of false confidence."
I can think of no better quote - no better way to sum up how I feel and have been feeling for quite some time.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Have I mentioned.....

that I am miserable? And yes, to answer your question, I do get sick of hearing myself whine. However, I don't get to whine to anybody else. Heaven forbid I EVER display any sort of displeasure. And heaven forbid I EVER disagree with anything.
Sometimes I feel as though I am in the dark ages - on many levels. I feel as though I cannot express my opinions - everyone constantly cuts me off, as though I couldn't possibly have something useful to say. and even if I get to say it, what is the point? Nobody cares anyway.
My brain is in a state of atrophy, and whatever was left of "me" inside is dying. I feel dead inside. I used to feel only partially alive, but now I am feeling completely dead. I find joy in very few things, and very seldomly. I feel very ill - physically and mentally.
I have realized, lately, that I do not even know who I really am. I do not know what my own happiness looks like. It is easy to forget what my countenance looks like with a REAL smile. It is easy to forget what it feels like when my heart is happy.
How is it that I do not know who I am, or how to be happy? Well..... I've spent the last 20 or so years trying to hide - from others, but mostly from myself, and from my feelings. Hide from the pain and try to hide my fear from others. It is incredibly taxing to pretend constantly - pretend to be a whole person. I 've never been able to become a whole person. Is it too late when one is almost 30 to be the person I should've been? Could've been? Was supposed to be?
Oh, I'm sure Oprah and Dr. Phil would say it's never too late, but they don't live in the real world like the rest of us.
there is a billboard near my house that I pass from time to time that says "3 Words Every Rape Victim Needs to Hear: You Can Heal." I just am so doubtful that it is actually true. The wounds are too old - the fear too deeply rooted inside of me. I don't know how to behave like a normal person, because I never had the chance to be one.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

WHY AM I STUCK HERE?

yeah, i am still here. and even worse off than I was the other day. every time hope is in sight... an end is in sight for at least one little portion of the bullshit that drives me nuts... something happens. always - something always happens. if not something, than many things. there is never any end to this relentless sea of frustration - it just keeps pounding the shore - pulling my sanity out to sea with it.... taking patience, robbing me of any chance to relax and try to enjoy my life.... Who knows - maybe it's better that way. Maybe it keeps me from facing the fact that there are few aspects of my life that I enjoy anyway. I love my husband dearly, but I hate where we are and I hate the situation we are in. Our business is in a tight spot right now, so much going on.... but, even once those issues are resolved, it is not as though the business brings me any joy. I am the most disposable, useless and under utilized person, and I just cannot stand that. I hate coming to the office to do the things nobody else wants to do and make my husband coffee and sit here and think about how I hate it so much.
I hate where we live. I hate that there is nowhere to even go shopping or get a good meal. There's nobody I would even want to be a close friend - and that is partially a function of me being screwed up and not liking most people that I meet, and partially a function of the fact that this area is useless and fucked up. there is nothing to do here but get drunk. there is no culture, not that we have much free time to do anything anyway. everything and everyone is far, far away. if ever i felt isolated in my life, this is surely a hundred times worse. it frightens me to think about these things, because there is no leaving here any time soon. i sometimes think that maybe i should not have come down here, but i had no idea what it would be like, and then, of course, i would not have my husband. why can't i just take him, take our dogs and get the fuck out of this horrific place???

Thursday, August 03, 2006

near the edge.

I am horrified by the fact that nothing seems to change in my life. It is nothing but stress and aggravation. I can't even plan for one day of "fun" - there is always something. My life was never like this..... this fucking company sucks every ounce of energy from me, from my husband - all of our time, our thoughts....we have been married for almost 6 months, and none of it has been that "honeymoon period" or that initial carefree stage of "marital bliss." I know it's not all a lie..... I have seen others experience it - only to succumb to the pressures of real life and the realization that marriage is hard work.... but, at least they get that time. We had .... let's see, 3 weeks, tops, when we first started dating - 2 or 3 weeks of that rush of a new relationship and new beginnings- when your partner has no faults, and the rest of your life does not intrude or stress you out.
Listen to me, right? My life is so unfair... blah blah blah. I know, I should shut the fuck up and stop sounding like an ungrateful bitch. You know what, though? I am not ungrateful - I am just painfully aware of the fact that every aspect of my life is full of bullshit and/or fucked up right now. It is inescapable, truly. Every morning, all day, every evening, while I sleep....well, while I try to sleep, I should say. As if I didn't have enough issues with myself before, right? As if being depressed and irritable anyway weren't enough? Now there is just constant stress - over and over and over and over and over - like someone banging my head into a brick wall repeatedly.
Moments of any sort of semblance of joy are few, far between, and fleeting.
Every single damn day I try to tell myself to hold on - I try to tell myself it will get better..... I hate this business - I hate this company. I am so bitter about it, because it has taken every cent that we have, and who the fuck knows when we'll get it back. Right now, we don't even have enough money to get by for another 2 months. And that is no exaggeration.
I just don't think I can fucking take it anymore, but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to remedy the situation. Damnit, even when I was broke, I had a paycheck every 2 weeks. things got paid, and there was always money coming in. we have nothing coming in now and it scares the shit out of me.
did I mention that I don't know if I can take it anymore? I am sick of being treated like a slave or a monkey or a piece of shit. I am sick of being so intellectually bored. And bored with the rest of my life. And drinking too much, and feeling awful physically, mentally and emotionally. One of these days, I just feel like it is all going to come crashing down on me. I can't take it..... I just don't have it in me anymore - I am always giving, giving, giving. I can't fucking take it.

near the edge.

I am horrified by the fact that nothing seems to change in my life. It is nothing but stress and aggravation. I can't even plan for one day of "fun" - there is always something. My life was never like this..... this fucking company sucks every ounce of energy from me, from my husband - all of our time, our thoughts....we have been married for almost 6 months, and none of it has been that "honeymoon period" or that initial carefree stage of "marital bliss." I know it's not all a lie..... I have seen others experience it - only to succumb to the pressures of real life and the realization that marriage is hard work.... but, at least they get that time. We had .... let's see, 3 weeks, tops, when we first started dating - 2 or 3 weeks of that rush of a new relationship and new beginnings- when your partner has no faults, and the rest of your life does not intrude or stress you out.
Listen to me, right? My life is so unfair... blah blah blah. I know, I should shut the fuck up and stop sounding like an ungrateful bitch. You know what, though? I am not ungrateful - I am just painfully aware of the fact that every aspect of my life is full of bullshit and/or fucked up right now. It is inescapable, truly. Every morning, all day, every evening, while I sleep....well, while I try to sleep, I should say. As if I didn't have enough issues with myself before, right? As if being depressed and irritable anyway weren't enough? Now there is just constant stress - over and over and over and over and over - like someone banging my head into a brick wall repeatedly.
Moments of any sort of semblance of joy are few, far between, and fleeting.
Every single damn day I try to tell myself to hold on - I try to tell myself it will get better..... I hate this business - I hate this company. I am so bitter about it, because it has taken every cent that we have, and who the fuck knows when we'll get it back. Right now, we don't even have enough money to get by for another 2 months. And that is no exaggeration.
I just don't think I can fucking take it anymore, but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to remedy the situation. Damnit, even when I was broke, I had a paycheck every 2 weeks. things got paid, and there was always money coming in. we have nothing coming in now and it scares the shit out of me.
did I mention that I don't know if I can take it anymore? I am sick of being treated like a slave or a monkey or a piece of shit. I am sick of being so intellectually bored. And bored with the rest of my life. And drinking too much, and feeling awful physically, mentally and emotionally. One of these days, I just feel like it is all going to come crashing down on me. I can't take it..... I just don't have it in me anymore - I am always giving, giving, giving. I can't fucking take it.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

How do I keep going?

How do I keep going, when all I want to do put my head to a pillow, and never wake up? I have become such a horrifically miserable person. I can't even look at people sometimes because I am just so full of anger, hate, misery, and despair. Was I deluding myself when I said that I am situationally happy? I must have been, because surely I am not. Yes, there are things to be grateful for, but that does not happiness make. If it were that easy.... drug companies wouldn't make so much on antidepressants. People wouldn't take their own lives. I wouldn't cry in utter frustration every single day of my life. My husband wouldn't need to use drugs to escape. No, it is not that easy. It is not that simple. Life is so complex and fucked up, and I am so weak and unable to cope with any of it. I so desperately need something or someone...... I sit every day and wonder how I am going to make it through another day. I am having a hard time remembering the last time it was so bad.... perhaps it has never been so bad. I am so amazingly frustrated with so many things. I am frustrated that I cannot seem to be happy. Logic tells me that I should be..... shouldn't I? Maybe not. I am not quite sure why I even ask myself these questions - surely I am in no position to answer any questions. My head is so clouded with depression that I truly cannot think straight anymore. I used to be so "on top of things" and I used to feel so "capable" and "useful." Lately, I feel as though i cannot accomplish a damn thing. It is like my IQ has dropped 20 points. My drive is gone, in many ways. I wanted to accomplish so many things in my life, and now..... I suppose I have suppressed those desires, because I see no way that I will ever do any of the things that I wanted to do. There is nowhere near where we live for me to go on and get a Ph.D. Even if I had one, there is no decent university where I could teach. I spent 6 years studying criminal justice and sociology, and I fear I will never use any of the things that I have learned. And in the current situation I am in, I do not get to speak in a group - everyone cuts me off as though there is not any way I could have anything useful to say. My own husband cuts me off when I am talking to people. Am I missing something? Maybe I really do not have anything to offer? Because I am a woman? Because I don't have a JD or an MD or a Ph.D. after my name?
When and how did things get so fucked up? And why? Why does it have to be so difficult? Life is not easy, and it's not supposed to be. that is fine, and I accepted that a long, long time ago.... I figured that out at a very young age, and I can live with that- but the day to day tasks of life shouldn't be so hard. It shouldn't be so hard to talk to someone without wanting to smack them.... it shouldn't be so hard to get up in the morning. It should not be so difficult to smile and actually mean it. I shouldn't have to sit every day and ask myself, "is it going to get better? ever?"
I really do not know how to go on anymore. I just want to scream. I just want to disappear. never in my life have I felt both so lonely and so alone, and so...... unable to control things in my own life. Unsure of what will become of me and my life. Unhappy. I am not sure when I last felt so unhappy and so frightened. I am frightened by my own emotions and my own thoughts. I don't like where I live. I don't like the feeling of uselessness I have at my "job." I don't like how my husband talks about having children when neither one of us has any right to even think about that, in our current states, and I don't like the fact that the thought of having a child and being tied down makes me want to scream. I am not ready for that, and what if I never am? It is not as though I am 18 years old - I am 27.
I can't even think about that, honestly. It actually makes me want to vomit. I mean, we can't even take care of ourselves properly right now - he's addicted and I'm afflicted. Not a good combination. I don't know how I will have children with the medicine that I take anyway. but I am really very unconcerned with that. If I could make it through a day without wanting to either cry, scream, hit someone, kill someone, or kill myself, then that would be a good day. Let's get there first. If I could get 2 days like that, even better. If I could have a real heartfelt smile, that would be wonderful. let's not push it, right?
oh god, i am so lost and so lonely and in such despair........................................................ I really don't know how to go on like this anymore. Does anyone know?????

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

The nature of the human mind is fascinating - the way we selectively remember certain events, and the way that time has the capacity to change the way we remember how something happened, or more importantly, how something or someone made us feel . . . it is quite intriguing.
I am pondering this because I was about to type something relating to how I used to be this strong, self- confident woman, but truly, I do not think I ever was. I look back at different times in my life and think, "I was happy then," or "I was proud of myself then," or "I was handling everything so well." Reality? Memory and reality are not one and the same. Reality is that I was never strong - not when it came to myself. Reality would tell you that I have never been able to be proud of myself or feel self-confident. Reality is that in the last 7 years, or more, I have not changed very much. I have remained the same fatalistic, irritable bitch who has no patience..... I have persevered with this sense of being not good enough - I have continued to exist in this state of flux between being situationally happy but feeling the effects of the past and my mental state..... and being in general despair. Right now, thank God, it is the former state that I am in.... that state of being where I am grateful for the wonderful people/things in my life, but also very aware of the turmoil inside of me and my anger and frustration and dislike for so many other people and things in this world.
I want to get rid of the anger. I want to get rid of the sadness and the pain. I want to be a whole person and not feel like such a damn freak - what kind of person is afraid to share her emotions with the person she loves the most in the world? What kind of person thinks, at times, that her feelings are subordinate to everything else that is going on? Are they? maybe they are. maybe they aren't. Maybe I can't even think straight anymore.
I suppose that I am just so damn sick of myself that I can't imagine why anybody would want to put up with listening to all of it. do i hate myself that much? no - no. hate is such a strong word. i surely don't love myself, though. i am not sure i even like myself, and quite frankly, as I write this- i am pretty convinced that none of it makes a damn bit of difference. i am pretty sure that it does not fucking matter. ah, there it is - the fatalism. i know, i need to get over it, right? to an extent, yes, it is that easy. i shouldn't feel such anger. sometimes, i can't help it, and i need to recognize that it is there and give life to it, or it will just tear me up inside. and i start to wonder if it is me or the world that is really fucked up. both, yes- both. "ay, there's the rub...."
i can't fix the world, and i'm wondering how in the hell to fix me. . . "all the king's horses and all the king's men..... "

Saturday, February 18, 2006

In a self-destructive moment, I want nothing more than to jump off a cliff - however, I wonder, if your whole life really does flash before you on your way to the ground, on your way to death. . . if that were the case, then that is no comfort - having to relive all of that in your last moments of existence? Unpleasant, to say the least.
I did truly think that as time passed, I would be less alone and also less lonely (yes, there is a difference). It is interesting, to me, that people will tell me to me more optimistic and hopeful, yet any time I am, I find myself disappointed and frustrated. There, again, is where I sit - let down and feeling hopeless. Still I feel (whether true or not) as though I have no confidante with an open ear and an open heart. My dear friends, who I love, are far away and caught up in their own battles. Yes, they can drop a sympathetic note from time to time, but nothing more. If you read anything here, you would know that I am engaged - so that should solve the problem, right? Talk to him - he is to be my husband, my soulmate, and so on. Right? Yes, of course, but if only it were that simple. When I see someone with all of the stress he has been under, and the demands on his attention and time from so many others, how do I even begin a meaningful discussion? Attempting to connect with a distracted person only leaves you feeling unimportant, even when that is not the case. There are instances when I feel as though it is not worth the effort, and that troubles me, on several levels. I have been out here since October, but really have no friends here - at least, none that I can confide in much. There is a friend of my fiance's out here who has been wonderful to me and will listen and try to understand, and I admire him for that and am grateful for that - but I cannot lean on him- it is just not fair.
More than anything, I want to be able to sit my fiance down - turn off the tv, the cell phone, the internet, the satellite radio - take away the magazines and the books - and just say - "Today, it is about me - not your business, not your clingy friends, not the dogs - just ME. And you are going to listen, without interjecting your emotions, till I am finished. And you are going to learn who I am and what goes on in my head."
What goes on in my head? Correct - I feel as though he does not know Is that his fault? No - it is mine, actually. As I said, how do you even have a serious conversation with someone who is so stressed, and is sick and is busy and is constantly being pulled in so many different directions by everyone else in the world? You don't. You sit and stare out the window. You feel frustrated and alone, and you keep it to yourself. Any acquaintances you know out here won't understand - all they will do is try to tell you how much stress he has been under - as if you don't know, right? As if you haven't been living with him and going through all of that for the last four months? Do they think you don't appreciate that? Fuck it- do these people really think that I do not understand and appreciate that? Perhaps they don't realize that this is my life, too. Perhaps they don't think that I have gone through anything, or that it's 1950 and I should shut the hell up? Maybe everybody else deserves his time and I do not, maybe that is how people feel. Who the fuck knows anymore.
At this point, I am just so incredibly sick and tired of feeling alone and feeling as though I have nobody to help me go through any of the things that run through my head on a daily basis. Here and there I can run things by people - but something tells me I end up looking like an asshole. How is it that I always end up looking like an asshole?? Maybe I am and I just don't know it.
I should be happy and excited right now, and I am not. I am weary and I am frustrated and I am incredibly lonely and scared. and the fact that I am feeling these things really and truly, for lack of better terminology at this point, really and truly pisses me off. I feel as though I am being robbed of what should be an exciting time, and quite frankly, that is just unfair. Yes, yes- believe me, I know that life is unfair - but damnit, when is it going to be fair? When am I going to be able to wake up 7 mornings in a row feeling good - not great, not excellent- just GOOD?
Of course a big problem here is me - my lack of motivation to continue with the positive changes that I need to make - however, I am at the point where I simply do not know what to do anymore - I just can't bring myself to do anything, and it's not right- not for me or anyone around me.
What about me? It sounds so selfish, I know - so incredibly selfish. You know what? Right now, I don't care. I hate it, but I need to be selfish - I need someone to forget themselves and take care of me - not forever - not always, but now - I really really need that now.
Sadly, I fear that I will not get it - because I am just too damn scared and ashamed to ask.