Anastasia's Closet

Monday, September 26, 2005

Despair

It's funny - while I was on anti-depressants, I forgot why I needed them. I felt that I was in control of my feelings, my emotions and my life. Now that I haven't been taking them...... well, now that is another story. Slowly but surely I have felt that despair creep up on me. Those feelings of fearing there might be nothing to look forward to. The feeling that I want to shut out the world and sob. How quickly the pain returns when there is no buffer to absorb the emotions. How easy it is to fall into these old patterns of depression. And how weak I feel for not wanting to be happy. I suppose that is what amazes me the most- suddenly, happiness is not even an attainable goal. It is something on the periphery - something for other people to experience while I look on from the sidelines of life. I felt as though I was in the middle of the great things that life has to offer - as though I was finally having that light shine on me and once again.... here I am - in the gutter, fighting back tears so that others may not see my weakness and sorrow. Always I try to ... well, not remain strong, because I am not, but I try to maintain that appearance of strength and being "okay" so that others can continue on in what I perceive as their bliss or contentedness. When one feels so distraught, it is easy to forget that others around us are feeling varying degrees of pain as well. Others have lost loved ones or been hurt in countless ways or feel as though they are not worthy - others have it worse than I do, but as the walls close in heavy around me, and the darkness falls deep and dreary and the night encompasses my being, I cannot see beyond my own pain. And as the pain begins to weigh on me and crush me - the air leaves the lungs of my soul and the breathing passages of my heart....... I am blind, to an extent, to certain things around me. What I can see through these dark, dense and heavy walls is so limited in scope that only the faintest glimmer of reality can seep in - twisted and distorted by the pain behind which I hide.
And so I get to this point . . . where it is such an immense struggle to appear "normal" and hide this face..... I don't even know if it is me that I hide, or the pain that I hide, or if I can, in any meaningful way, separate myself from that pain. Is it so ingrained in my being that there is no escape? Is it part of me now? Was it always? Who am I without the pain? I don't even know how to answer that question because I have never been without it, save for the times I have medicated myself into a quiet calm, devoid of thoughts of what has gone wrong and what has hurt me and who...... damnit, who has hurt me. and I wonder now, as I sit here on the verge of a breakdown..... do I really have to face it? do i want to? can't I run away from it all? the past, the pain, the bills, the responsibilities, the relationships - life? can't I run away from life? I remember reading an old proverb - persian, perhaps, that said, "The sky is the same color wherever you go." Does that mean I cannot escape all of this by running? If I run as fast as I can, "to the middle of nowhere...." will I get away?
I do not think we can escape ourselves. Perhaps we are not meant to, but damnit I would like to run like hell and see if I can.... even for a few days. How long it would take before I catch up to myself? Before the pain begins to wash over me again? How do I escape? How do I get away? Medications work well, but the suppress other vital feelings in me. Maybe I just need to be alone for once in my life. Fuck, it seems like I am alone most of the time anyway. I feel like I am about to embark on this new life of loneliness where I have nobody to confide in and nobody to understand me and nobody to listen when I need a sympathetic ear. The only person I will have is one who has so much stress and so much going on that ...... well, quite frankly I feel as though I could begin to disappear slowly and it would take a very long time (understandably) before he would notice that I had vanished into thin air....
"me? I am the dust. . . . I drift into the silence..... echoing like sorrow."
Perhaps if I didn't feel that need for emotional and physical love, then the deadening effect of the medications would not have such an impact on me. Perhaps if I were alone, I wouldn't care - about anything I might be missing. Or about anyone... "Nothing wears you out like caring about people." That, in all its simplicity, is one of the most true things ever written, despite the fact that it comes from a little S.E. Hinton book - sometimes the most simple things ring so true in our hearts. No fancy language - it is what it is.
Sometimes I think that I care too much. . . . that I let the pain of others hurt me too deeply. Is it possible to love too much? Is it possible to give too much of yourself? Okay, I know the latter is definitely true. As for loving too much? Shit, it doesn't even matter- even I didn't change my mind, there is nothing I can do about it. It is in my nature to be this way - to give regardless of what I may or may not receive, and to love relentlessly.
Just thinking about all of this and acknowledging how much pain I am in, even to this day..... after all this time....... quite frankly, it is making me want to vomit. With that, I think I must sign off. It's been a long day - I feel as though I lived several weeks in this one day, and there has been very little sunshine in that time.

1 Comments:

At 5:53 PM, Blogger Mary Morgan said...

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