Anastasia's Closet

Sunday, September 18, 2005

disclosure

Sometimes it is so hard to wrap my head around my own thoughts. It is much easier to push them away, of course. That is something I have become quite adept at. However, it is time to stop running. One morning, not too long ago, I woke up - was it in the morning or in the middle of the night? Doesn't matter. I awoke and realized, it is time to be the person that I want to be - it is time to be the person that I truly am - without reservation or depression or uncertainty or escape. It is time to stop hiding and being ashamed.
I see the people around me who need help and they get it. I have made quite a bit of progress on my own, but I need to take the next step and make my past a reality so that I can move on. It is not easy to accept that I was hurt so badly by people so close to me. It is not easy to let myself comprehend how it shattered my childhood and altered my development as a human being and a woman. But, it happened. It hurt me in ways I tried for years not to understand. It was real, but it is in the past. I have come to value myself as a worthy human being - deserving of love and happiness. I have come to see that I do have redeeming qualities. However, I have not come far enough. I have not completely internalized the things that I have learned and the progress that I have tried to make. It is in realizing this next step that I am troubled with how to proceed. It was not difficult to understand the ramifications of being abused. It was not all that tough to see what it did to me and how it was affecting my life, even at 20 and 25 and 26, and so on. However, to say it to another human being - not to write it, not to type it- to say it to another human being who has a real interest in my well being and happiness and so on - now that is a feat that I have yet to accomplish. How does one even begin that subject??? "By the way, I need to tell you why I am so fucked up." Doesn't really make a good conversation starter. Instead, I sit here at a computer and hope to gain some comfort in knowing that I am typing these words and at some time, somebody somewhere might read them. I suppose that is not the type of disclosure that I need.

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