Anastasia's Closet

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Running Away

Does taking anti-depressant medication and not dealing with the issues that make you depressed count as running away? If one needs these meds to be functional or to avoid total misery, is it not the same as drug addiction or alcoholism? or at the very least, is it similar? of course, some people may not have a trigger behind their depression, so they just need it to balance the chemicals, i can accept that. but not me.
i medicated and self-counseled my way through to admitting my depression and the root cause(s). I analyzed it. I went through some necessary phases in order to understand it. but, i stopped. i stopped trying to deal with it, because you get to a certain point where it just becomes too painful. you get to that point where you can't speak it out loud. i have been at that point for several years. i want to move on and stop the damn medication. i want to be at peace on my own and with myself, not with the assistance of some drug - forget the fact that the FDA says it's legal.
I have had a couple chances to say it - to acknowledge it to someone, and i thought about it, butI chickened out. How in the world do i get the courage to speak the very things that i have pushed to the back of my conscious for ....... gees, i dont' even know how long it has been - probably 18 years. possibly more. Do I just find an ear willing to listen and spill it? Do I just say what needs to be said and then that's it, or do I go into my analysis? do I describe the ways I have made it to this point- the stages I have gone through and how I have moved past that? And where, oh where, do I find someone willing to listen to the drama of my childhood? my life? I mean someone who actually cares about ME - not a doctor. not a counselor. sure,they care because it is their job- they get paid to listen to me. I want someone to listen to me because they want to understand me and help me and see me do better.
And then.... you see, I could have told him....... I could tell my boyfriend, particularly with everything he has been opening up to me about- but I am always afraid of scaring people off. I mean, it's not like any of it was my fault and it's not like i killed or hurt anyone, but it's just such a .......... here it is the truth - I AM ASHAMED OF THE TERRIBLE THINGS THAT PEOPLE DID TO ME AS A CHILD. and i am ashamed of the fact that iwas too scared to get help or to tell anyone. and i am ashamed of the fact that i am 26.5 years old and still having the same thoughts i had when i was 7. i am ashamed that ia ms upposed to be so smart, yet i haven't been able to fix myself. i am ashamed for not feeling like i could trust any one person enough to tell them the whole truth. Shame is a damn powerful emotion. I am starting to see that.
I have been able to get to a point where I can be in a normal sexual relationship. I can do that. But the thing is........ when a child is sexually abused and grows up never having dealt with it or put the horrible truth into the light of day . . . . . how does he/she have a normal concept of sexual relations? Well, I guess I learned the hard way - going through years of abnormal behavior and abnormal feelings. I did the "please don't touch me" phase and the "i will let everyone touch me" thing (thankfully, that was very brief!). What has remained, however, despite my progress, is that feeling, occasionally, that i am wanted by men solely for sex and related things - that is all i am good for, in their eyes - and maybe in my own sometimes, too - that my other attributes are meaningless. So, once things are going very well for a long time, and i truly get comfortable in believing that person loves me, my mind sort of shuts down my body sexually. is that insane? whatever it is, it is the one thing that i need to fix the most. being in a relationship that i value beyond belief has made me realize that it is way too easy to screw it up. why should i let my abusers win? i am committed to working through this and realizing, for the first time -FULLY AND COMPLETELY - my self worth. yes, i know i am smart and kind and caring and i listen and i'd do anything to help someone i love- but now i need to be able to realize that other people, especially men, can see these things, too -and they can appreciate them and it is part of why they like me and perhaps, yes, they care about me and not just about how much they can fuck me. ay, there's the rub. how to get to that point?
i think it needs to begin with disclosure - about what happened, and how it has changed me and how i have made progress, but how i have so much progress to make. i have so many things going for me, iknow that- it is time that i fix what i can while i can, before i lose something i have waited so long to have.
and to whom do i speak? someone with an open mind, who will not judge me or pity me, but who will listen and just respect the fact that i have chosen to speak to them about these issues. a real friend.


At 8:18 PM, Blogger Elizabeth Raventail said...

Best of luck to you. It's rough to come to grips with difficult situations in your childhood. I've been through some of it myself.
Not sexual abuse, no. But mental abuse, and quite frequently. It's difficult to go through life being told you're "not good enough" because you're not who you're "supposed to be" in the eyes of someone very important to your life.
I wish you the best of luck. It's difficult, but I know you will survive. You lasted this long, you can make it. And good friends and healthy relationships help a lot. =)


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