Anastasia's Closet

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Never a Moment Alone

I am engaged and thrilled about that. Now, if only we had time for ourselves. It would take me all night to explain the situation, but it involves a lot of litigation. And a lot of other people. Even at night, when I would be happy to do nothing, so long as the two of us could be alone - well, even then, if there aren't people at the house, or calling constantly, then there are people who can't seem to understand that it's really sort of strange for them to expect us to come to their house for dinner every night. Sure, the invite is appreciated, and once in a while it is great, and they are great, but I feel as though right now, our life is not our own. We do not have time to discuss even trivial things, let alone major issues in our lives.
I am constantly trying to reassure myself that this is temporary - we are not always going to be embroiled in such a mess, and we will not always be so stressed and so busy and so..... surrounded. I know that once this situation is resolved, we can be normal people again, but it is so incredibly difficult right now..... I am desperately trying to keep everything together- doing 20 things at once and trying to be supportive for him because he needs it now more than ever, but inside, I feel as though I am falling to pieces. I feel empty, in fact. Here I am, in a new place with no friends and family around. I have the love of my life with me, but we cannot even enjoy each other's company and I cannot lean on him for support because of all of the insanity around us. Some nights it is all I can do to keep from breaking down........ I feel so weak and so vulnerable. I feel so alone and depressed and insecure and unstable, and I truly feel that there is nowhere I can turn.
Can someone tell me how to keep myself together? Some nights, when the dust from the day starts to settle, and my mind becomes aware of the pain and fear in my heart, I feel so incredibly desperate - so painfully scared that I am almost paralyzed. I feel so helpless and powerless over what I feel. I am struggling now to describe it - it is like feeling so many things and nothing at the same time. It is as though I am falling and falling and cannot grasp onto anything or anyone to save me.
I just do not understand what is wrong these days, aside from the obvious stress. I feel so guilty and horrible for not wanting to spend time with these people, and I get so angry because he never wants to say "no" to them. I suppose there are a lot of issues, but mostly at this point, I think I just do not have the patience. Funny, I am scared to be alone and don't want to be around other people.
I am not coping with this stress very well. I know that. And if I weren't sure, then the rambling and inconsistent nature of this post would certainly seal the deal for me.
I just want all of the confusion and the fear and the insecurity to go away. I know it will never simply happen that way - I know that is not anywhere close to any version of reality that i could create, but if I could have one thing right now- if I could have just one wish, it would be to replace that veil of sanity that I feel I have lost, so that I could be at peace with myself and comfortable with myself and strong. I want so much to feel strong again - to feel that I am in control of my mind and my emotions. This stress has taken such a toll on me. I need to be bettering myself and I need to be seeking some sort of therapy. Right now, finding a few minutes to type this ranting post is the only therapy that I can manage. Of course, it is cathartic in a way, and I feel as though I am getting out some of my frustrations and fears......... My spirits will be somewhat improved for a time - but it is only temporary. In an hour, I will be fighting off despair and what feels like some sort of mental and emotional destruction- what feels like a breakdown.


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