Anastasia's Closet

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Disappointment

"Nothing wears you out like caring about people."
I suppose that is the simplest, yet most true thought that has crossed my mind all day. Of course it is rewarding, too - but at these moments when you feel that someone you care about and someone you have supported so much has let you down......wow, what a lonely and awful feeling.
I am at the point, at this moment, where I do not really know what to say. I suppose I thought that if I tried to write a post here... well, that I might be able to articulate what I am feeling - but these are strong emotions- the kind that often defy easy explanation - the kind that cannot be verbalized quickly- if at all. I do hope that I can work my way to the point of articulation, though- it seems that is one of the few ways that I can reach any sort of peace with myself.
I do have a need for expression.... and there are instances, particularly when my emotions involve the behavior of another person, that it is just not useful to attempt any sort of dialogue with that individual....... when my emotions are raw, I do not lash out, or say things that I regret, however I have a difficult time grasping the right words to make my feelings intelligible. Perhaps they are not even yet understandable for me. .. . .
I currently feel the physical manifestations - my hands tremble. It is hot, but I am chilled. Nausea. I am pale and I feel weak.
Right now, this is not about me. It is about the man I love and am going to marry. And I would venture a guess that although he may think it is a more immediate issue, in the here and now, I feel that it is about the future, and our relationship, and our as yet unborn family. When someone you love has done so well without doing any drugs - and then they do it again, and initially try to hide it - it is an incredible disappointment. But, he is human, and imperfect, just like me. I can accept that - but I cannot accept deceit or dishonesty. Or false apologies. Or excuses. And I don't want him to make them right now, so I suppose that is why I wait.
There are very few people I truly love and care about, and he is one - and I want for him, even more than for myself - to be the person he deserves to be.