Anastasia's Closet

Saturday, February 18, 2006

In a self-destructive moment, I want nothing more than to jump off a cliff - however, I wonder, if your whole life really does flash before you on your way to the ground, on your way to death. . . if that were the case, then that is no comfort - having to relive all of that in your last moments of existence? Unpleasant, to say the least.
I did truly think that as time passed, I would be less alone and also less lonely (yes, there is a difference). It is interesting, to me, that people will tell me to me more optimistic and hopeful, yet any time I am, I find myself disappointed and frustrated. There, again, is where I sit - let down and feeling hopeless. Still I feel (whether true or not) as though I have no confidante with an open ear and an open heart. My dear friends, who I love, are far away and caught up in their own battles. Yes, they can drop a sympathetic note from time to time, but nothing more. If you read anything here, you would know that I am engaged - so that should solve the problem, right? Talk to him - he is to be my husband, my soulmate, and so on. Right? Yes, of course, but if only it were that simple. When I see someone with all of the stress he has been under, and the demands on his attention and time from so many others, how do I even begin a meaningful discussion? Attempting to connect with a distracted person only leaves you feeling unimportant, even when that is not the case. There are instances when I feel as though it is not worth the effort, and that troubles me, on several levels. I have been out here since October, but really have no friends here - at least, none that I can confide in much. There is a friend of my fiance's out here who has been wonderful to me and will listen and try to understand, and I admire him for that and am grateful for that - but I cannot lean on him- it is just not fair.
More than anything, I want to be able to sit my fiance down - turn off the tv, the cell phone, the internet, the satellite radio - take away the magazines and the books - and just say - "Today, it is about me - not your business, not your clingy friends, not the dogs - just ME. And you are going to listen, without interjecting your emotions, till I am finished. And you are going to learn who I am and what goes on in my head."
What goes on in my head? Correct - I feel as though he does not know Is that his fault? No - it is mine, actually. As I said, how do you even have a serious conversation with someone who is so stressed, and is sick and is busy and is constantly being pulled in so many different directions by everyone else in the world? You don't. You sit and stare out the window. You feel frustrated and alone, and you keep it to yourself. Any acquaintances you know out here won't understand - all they will do is try to tell you how much stress he has been under - as if you don't know, right? As if you haven't been living with him and going through all of that for the last four months? Do they think you don't appreciate that? Fuck it- do these people really think that I do not understand and appreciate that? Perhaps they don't realize that this is my life, too. Perhaps they don't think that I have gone through anything, or that it's 1950 and I should shut the hell up? Maybe everybody else deserves his time and I do not, maybe that is how people feel. Who the fuck knows anymore.
At this point, I am just so incredibly sick and tired of feeling alone and feeling as though I have nobody to help me go through any of the things that run through my head on a daily basis. Here and there I can run things by people - but something tells me I end up looking like an asshole. How is it that I always end up looking like an asshole?? Maybe I am and I just don't know it.
I should be happy and excited right now, and I am not. I am weary and I am frustrated and I am incredibly lonely and scared. and the fact that I am feeling these things really and truly, for lack of better terminology at this point, really and truly pisses me off. I feel as though I am being robbed of what should be an exciting time, and quite frankly, that is just unfair. Yes, yes- believe me, I know that life is unfair - but damnit, when is it going to be fair? When am I going to be able to wake up 7 mornings in a row feeling good - not great, not excellent- just GOOD?
Of course a big problem here is me - my lack of motivation to continue with the positive changes that I need to make - however, I am at the point where I simply do not know what to do anymore - I just can't bring myself to do anything, and it's not right- not for me or anyone around me.
What about me? It sounds so selfish, I know - so incredibly selfish. You know what? Right now, I don't care. I hate it, but I need to be selfish - I need someone to forget themselves and take care of me - not forever - not always, but now - I really really need that now.
Sadly, I fear that I will not get it - because I am just too damn scared and ashamed to ask.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Time for Change

I had this amazing delusion that once these few incredibly stressful situations were resolved, I would be "home free" and I could go back to being the calm, confident, collected, intelligent and self-secure, independent person that I once was. I underestimated the power of stress - physically and emotionally.
Sure, the majority of the stress has passed- but there is more. Not as intense, but more. And now, in this pseudo "down time," my mind and body have finally had a chance to slow down . . . and in that time, the full impact of the last four months of stress, frustration and aggravation have set in. These effects are cumulative. And only I can work through them for myself. I find myself, as always, more concerned about my fiance than myself. I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing, however it does leave me with very very little time for myself - little time to write, to read, to explore myself and help myself cope with the world around me and the feelings that I have been desperately trying to suppress.
I find myself incredibly frustrated and irritable, and taking it out on those around me. Not that they don't sometimes take out their anger and frustration on me, but.... I am not one to pick a fight with or bitch at the people I love - yet here I am - doing just that, and hating myself for it every day. Why is it so hard for me to make that conscious effort to be a better and stronger person? Why should I have to try not to be so angry and hateful? I should know the answers to these things. I used to be so adept at self- analysis, when I had the time to think straight, and to write. Even this nonsense I am banging out here on this blog is helpful to me. But writing once in 6 weeks? That is really not very useful to me in the long term. I am hopeful that I will have more time for these types of endeavors - reading and writing. Talking to someone who can listen. I have considered some sort of therapy - even if just to have a sounding board, but I find myself distracted and without free time. And possibly even scared.
I have attempted the therapy route in the past. History repeats itself every time. In the beginning, I make progress and I am able to discuss "issues" and emotions. However, I always get to that point with the therapist where it comes time to truly open up and be honest with not only the therapist, but also with myself. To be honest about my imperfections. To be honest about my regrets. About my past. About the people who have hurt me and how and why and what it has done to me. I get to that point, and I stop. That is the difficult part. That is the part that brings up so much pain. Now, however, I find myself in a new and different position. I am getting married in 28 days to a wonderful, albeit misguided at times, man. More than anything, I want to be emotionally and mentally healthy. I do not want the past to seep in and cause fear and pain and destruction, as it has so many times in the past. Now, if I want to be true to my commitment to this incredible man (and I do), I need to deal with it - ALL of it. I have put it off long enough. I have let the pain and the fear ruin me for far too long. I have spent all of my teenage years and adult life with the deep-rooted (yet often hidden) feeling that the only thing I have to offer to a man is sex - that sex is the only way to keep him happy and keep him pleased. The main problem with that, of course, is clear. However, a secondary issue arises. When one is in a position where they feel that sex is a tool - a way to gain acceptance and love, what happens if and when that individual reaches a place of comfort? When that man is able to make me feel that he does truly care about me, and that I do have something more to offer, then sex ceases to have the same meaning.
I am absolutely unwilling to let the past ruin this relationship - ever. It just won't happen. This is my life, and he is the love of my life. Quite frankly, this is just too damn important. I need to regain my self-worth and self-love. And I need to mend the broken parts of my heart and soul, so that I may enter into this new chapter in my life as "whole" as possible and as healthy as possible. I owe it to myself and to my amazing future husband. We deserve as much happiness as life can grant (accepting, of course, that life will also be full of pitfalls, challenges and hurt). It is time to reclaim my life..... If only I could take that first step....