Anastasia's Closet

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Time for Change

I had this amazing delusion that once these few incredibly stressful situations were resolved, I would be "home free" and I could go back to being the calm, confident, collected, intelligent and self-secure, independent person that I once was. I underestimated the power of stress - physically and emotionally.
Sure, the majority of the stress has passed- but there is more. Not as intense, but more. And now, in this pseudo "down time," my mind and body have finally had a chance to slow down . . . and in that time, the full impact of the last four months of stress, frustration and aggravation have set in. These effects are cumulative. And only I can work through them for myself. I find myself, as always, more concerned about my fiance than myself. I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing, however it does leave me with very very little time for myself - little time to write, to read, to explore myself and help myself cope with the world around me and the feelings that I have been desperately trying to suppress.
I find myself incredibly frustrated and irritable, and taking it out on those around me. Not that they don't sometimes take out their anger and frustration on me, but.... I am not one to pick a fight with or bitch at the people I love - yet here I am - doing just that, and hating myself for it every day. Why is it so hard for me to make that conscious effort to be a better and stronger person? Why should I have to try not to be so angry and hateful? I should know the answers to these things. I used to be so adept at self- analysis, when I had the time to think straight, and to write. Even this nonsense I am banging out here on this blog is helpful to me. But writing once in 6 weeks? That is really not very useful to me in the long term. I am hopeful that I will have more time for these types of endeavors - reading and writing. Talking to someone who can listen. I have considered some sort of therapy - even if just to have a sounding board, but I find myself distracted and without free time. And possibly even scared.
I have attempted the therapy route in the past. History repeats itself every time. In the beginning, I make progress and I am able to discuss "issues" and emotions. However, I always get to that point with the therapist where it comes time to truly open up and be honest with not only the therapist, but also with myself. To be honest about my imperfections. To be honest about my regrets. About my past. About the people who have hurt me and how and why and what it has done to me. I get to that point, and I stop. That is the difficult part. That is the part that brings up so much pain. Now, however, I find myself in a new and different position. I am getting married in 28 days to a wonderful, albeit misguided at times, man. More than anything, I want to be emotionally and mentally healthy. I do not want the past to seep in and cause fear and pain and destruction, as it has so many times in the past. Now, if I want to be true to my commitment to this incredible man (and I do), I need to deal with it - ALL of it. I have put it off long enough. I have let the pain and the fear ruin me for far too long. I have spent all of my teenage years and adult life with the deep-rooted (yet often hidden) feeling that the only thing I have to offer to a man is sex - that sex is the only way to keep him happy and keep him pleased. The main problem with that, of course, is clear. However, a secondary issue arises. When one is in a position where they feel that sex is a tool - a way to gain acceptance and love, what happens if and when that individual reaches a place of comfort? When that man is able to make me feel that he does truly care about me, and that I do have something more to offer, then sex ceases to have the same meaning.
I am absolutely unwilling to let the past ruin this relationship - ever. It just won't happen. This is my life, and he is the love of my life. Quite frankly, this is just too damn important. I need to regain my self-worth and self-love. And I need to mend the broken parts of my heart and soul, so that I may enter into this new chapter in my life as "whole" as possible and as healthy as possible. I owe it to myself and to my amazing future husband. We deserve as much happiness as life can grant (accepting, of course, that life will also be full of pitfalls, challenges and hurt). It is time to reclaim my life..... If only I could take that first step....

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