Anastasia's Closet

Sunday, May 07, 2006

How do I keep going?

How do I keep going, when all I want to do put my head to a pillow, and never wake up? I have become such a horrifically miserable person. I can't even look at people sometimes because I am just so full of anger, hate, misery, and despair. Was I deluding myself when I said that I am situationally happy? I must have been, because surely I am not. Yes, there are things to be grateful for, but that does not happiness make. If it were that easy.... drug companies wouldn't make so much on antidepressants. People wouldn't take their own lives. I wouldn't cry in utter frustration every single day of my life. My husband wouldn't need to use drugs to escape. No, it is not that easy. It is not that simple. Life is so complex and fucked up, and I am so weak and unable to cope with any of it. I so desperately need something or someone...... I sit every day and wonder how I am going to make it through another day. I am having a hard time remembering the last time it was so bad.... perhaps it has never been so bad. I am so amazingly frustrated with so many things. I am frustrated that I cannot seem to be happy. Logic tells me that I should be..... shouldn't I? Maybe not. I am not quite sure why I even ask myself these questions - surely I am in no position to answer any questions. My head is so clouded with depression that I truly cannot think straight anymore. I used to be so "on top of things" and I used to feel so "capable" and "useful." Lately, I feel as though i cannot accomplish a damn thing. It is like my IQ has dropped 20 points. My drive is gone, in many ways. I wanted to accomplish so many things in my life, and now..... I suppose I have suppressed those desires, because I see no way that I will ever do any of the things that I wanted to do. There is nowhere near where we live for me to go on and get a Ph.D. Even if I had one, there is no decent university where I could teach. I spent 6 years studying criminal justice and sociology, and I fear I will never use any of the things that I have learned. And in the current situation I am in, I do not get to speak in a group - everyone cuts me off as though there is not any way I could have anything useful to say. My own husband cuts me off when I am talking to people. Am I missing something? Maybe I really do not have anything to offer? Because I am a woman? Because I don't have a JD or an MD or a Ph.D. after my name?
When and how did things get so fucked up? And why? Why does it have to be so difficult? Life is not easy, and it's not supposed to be. that is fine, and I accepted that a long, long time ago.... I figured that out at a very young age, and I can live with that- but the day to day tasks of life shouldn't be so hard. It shouldn't be so hard to talk to someone without wanting to smack them.... it shouldn't be so hard to get up in the morning. It should not be so difficult to smile and actually mean it. I shouldn't have to sit every day and ask myself, "is it going to get better? ever?"
I really do not know how to go on anymore. I just want to scream. I just want to disappear. never in my life have I felt both so lonely and so alone, and so...... unable to control things in my own life. Unsure of what will become of me and my life. Unhappy. I am not sure when I last felt so unhappy and so frightened. I am frightened by my own emotions and my own thoughts. I don't like where I live. I don't like the feeling of uselessness I have at my "job." I don't like how my husband talks about having children when neither one of us has any right to even think about that, in our current states, and I don't like the fact that the thought of having a child and being tied down makes me want to scream. I am not ready for that, and what if I never am? It is not as though I am 18 years old - I am 27.
I can't even think about that, honestly. It actually makes me want to vomit. I mean, we can't even take care of ourselves properly right now - he's addicted and I'm afflicted. Not a good combination. I don't know how I will have children with the medicine that I take anyway. but I am really very unconcerned with that. If I could make it through a day without wanting to either cry, scream, hit someone, kill someone, or kill myself, then that would be a good day. Let's get there first. If I could get 2 days like that, even better. If I could have a real heartfelt smile, that would be wonderful. let's not push it, right?
oh god, i am so lost and so lonely and in such despair........................................................ I really don't know how to go on like this anymore. Does anyone know?????