Anastasia's Closet

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

WHY AM I STUCK HERE?

yeah, i am still here. and even worse off than I was the other day. every time hope is in sight... an end is in sight for at least one little portion of the bullshit that drives me nuts... something happens. always - something always happens. if not something, than many things. there is never any end to this relentless sea of frustration - it just keeps pounding the shore - pulling my sanity out to sea with it.... taking patience, robbing me of any chance to relax and try to enjoy my life.... Who knows - maybe it's better that way. Maybe it keeps me from facing the fact that there are few aspects of my life that I enjoy anyway. I love my husband dearly, but I hate where we are and I hate the situation we are in. Our business is in a tight spot right now, so much going on.... but, even once those issues are resolved, it is not as though the business brings me any joy. I am the most disposable, useless and under utilized person, and I just cannot stand that. I hate coming to the office to do the things nobody else wants to do and make my husband coffee and sit here and think about how I hate it so much.
I hate where we live. I hate that there is nowhere to even go shopping or get a good meal. There's nobody I would even want to be a close friend - and that is partially a function of me being screwed up and not liking most people that I meet, and partially a function of the fact that this area is useless and fucked up. there is nothing to do here but get drunk. there is no culture, not that we have much free time to do anything anyway. everything and everyone is far, far away. if ever i felt isolated in my life, this is surely a hundred times worse. it frightens me to think about these things, because there is no leaving here any time soon. i sometimes think that maybe i should not have come down here, but i had no idea what it would be like, and then, of course, i would not have my husband. why can't i just take him, take our dogs and get the fuck out of this horrific place???

Thursday, August 03, 2006

near the edge.

I am horrified by the fact that nothing seems to change in my life. It is nothing but stress and aggravation. I can't even plan for one day of "fun" - there is always something. My life was never like this..... this fucking company sucks every ounce of energy from me, from my husband - all of our time, our thoughts....we have been married for almost 6 months, and none of it has been that "honeymoon period" or that initial carefree stage of "marital bliss." I know it's not all a lie..... I have seen others experience it - only to succumb to the pressures of real life and the realization that marriage is hard work.... but, at least they get that time. We had .... let's see, 3 weeks, tops, when we first started dating - 2 or 3 weeks of that rush of a new relationship and new beginnings- when your partner has no faults, and the rest of your life does not intrude or stress you out.
Listen to me, right? My life is so unfair... blah blah blah. I know, I should shut the fuck up and stop sounding like an ungrateful bitch. You know what, though? I am not ungrateful - I am just painfully aware of the fact that every aspect of my life is full of bullshit and/or fucked up right now. It is inescapable, truly. Every morning, all day, every evening, while I sleep....well, while I try to sleep, I should say. As if I didn't have enough issues with myself before, right? As if being depressed and irritable anyway weren't enough? Now there is just constant stress - over and over and over and over and over - like someone banging my head into a brick wall repeatedly.
Moments of any sort of semblance of joy are few, far between, and fleeting.
Every single damn day I try to tell myself to hold on - I try to tell myself it will get better..... I hate this business - I hate this company. I am so bitter about it, because it has taken every cent that we have, and who the fuck knows when we'll get it back. Right now, we don't even have enough money to get by for another 2 months. And that is no exaggeration.
I just don't think I can fucking take it anymore, but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to remedy the situation. Damnit, even when I was broke, I had a paycheck every 2 weeks. things got paid, and there was always money coming in. we have nothing coming in now and it scares the shit out of me.
did I mention that I don't know if I can take it anymore? I am sick of being treated like a slave or a monkey or a piece of shit. I am sick of being so intellectually bored. And bored with the rest of my life. And drinking too much, and feeling awful physically, mentally and emotionally. One of these days, I just feel like it is all going to come crashing down on me. I can't take it..... I just don't have it in me anymore - I am always giving, giving, giving. I can't fucking take it.

near the edge.

I am horrified by the fact that nothing seems to change in my life. It is nothing but stress and aggravation. I can't even plan for one day of "fun" - there is always something. My life was never like this..... this fucking company sucks every ounce of energy from me, from my husband - all of our time, our thoughts....we have been married for almost 6 months, and none of it has been that "honeymoon period" or that initial carefree stage of "marital bliss." I know it's not all a lie..... I have seen others experience it - only to succumb to the pressures of real life and the realization that marriage is hard work.... but, at least they get that time. We had .... let's see, 3 weeks, tops, when we first started dating - 2 or 3 weeks of that rush of a new relationship and new beginnings- when your partner has no faults, and the rest of your life does not intrude or stress you out.
Listen to me, right? My life is so unfair... blah blah blah. I know, I should shut the fuck up and stop sounding like an ungrateful bitch. You know what, though? I am not ungrateful - I am just painfully aware of the fact that every aspect of my life is full of bullshit and/or fucked up right now. It is inescapable, truly. Every morning, all day, every evening, while I sleep....well, while I try to sleep, I should say. As if I didn't have enough issues with myself before, right? As if being depressed and irritable anyway weren't enough? Now there is just constant stress - over and over and over and over and over - like someone banging my head into a brick wall repeatedly.
Moments of any sort of semblance of joy are few, far between, and fleeting.
Every single damn day I try to tell myself to hold on - I try to tell myself it will get better..... I hate this business - I hate this company. I am so bitter about it, because it has taken every cent that we have, and who the fuck knows when we'll get it back. Right now, we don't even have enough money to get by for another 2 months. And that is no exaggeration.
I just don't think I can fucking take it anymore, but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to remedy the situation. Damnit, even when I was broke, I had a paycheck every 2 weeks. things got paid, and there was always money coming in. we have nothing coming in now and it scares the shit out of me.
did I mention that I don't know if I can take it anymore? I am sick of being treated like a slave or a monkey or a piece of shit. I am sick of being so intellectually bored. And bored with the rest of my life. And drinking too much, and feeling awful physically, mentally and emotionally. One of these days, I just feel like it is all going to come crashing down on me. I can't take it..... I just don't have it in me anymore - I am always giving, giving, giving. I can't fucking take it.