Anastasia's Closet

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

WHY AM I STUCK HERE?

yeah, i am still here. and even worse off than I was the other day. every time hope is in sight... an end is in sight for at least one little portion of the bullshit that drives me nuts... something happens. always - something always happens. if not something, than many things. there is never any end to this relentless sea of frustration - it just keeps pounding the shore - pulling my sanity out to sea with it.... taking patience, robbing me of any chance to relax and try to enjoy my life.... Who knows - maybe it's better that way. Maybe it keeps me from facing the fact that there are few aspects of my life that I enjoy anyway. I love my husband dearly, but I hate where we are and I hate the situation we are in. Our business is in a tight spot right now, so much going on.... but, even once those issues are resolved, it is not as though the business brings me any joy. I am the most disposable, useless and under utilized person, and I just cannot stand that. I hate coming to the office to do the things nobody else wants to do and make my husband coffee and sit here and think about how I hate it so much.
I hate where we live. I hate that there is nowhere to even go shopping or get a good meal. There's nobody I would even want to be a close friend - and that is partially a function of me being screwed up and not liking most people that I meet, and partially a function of the fact that this area is useless and fucked up. there is nothing to do here but get drunk. there is no culture, not that we have much free time to do anything anyway. everything and everyone is far, far away. if ever i felt isolated in my life, this is surely a hundred times worse. it frightens me to think about these things, because there is no leaving here any time soon. i sometimes think that maybe i should not have come down here, but i had no idea what it would be like, and then, of course, i would not have my husband. why can't i just take him, take our dogs and get the fuck out of this horrific place???

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