Anastasia's Closet

Friday, September 22, 2006

Have I mentioned.....

that I am miserable? And yes, to answer your question, I do get sick of hearing myself whine. However, I don't get to whine to anybody else. Heaven forbid I EVER display any sort of displeasure. And heaven forbid I EVER disagree with anything.
Sometimes I feel as though I am in the dark ages - on many levels. I feel as though I cannot express my opinions - everyone constantly cuts me off, as though I couldn't possibly have something useful to say. and even if I get to say it, what is the point? Nobody cares anyway.
My brain is in a state of atrophy, and whatever was left of "me" inside is dying. I feel dead inside. I used to feel only partially alive, but now I am feeling completely dead. I find joy in very few things, and very seldomly. I feel very ill - physically and mentally.
I have realized, lately, that I do not even know who I really am. I do not know what my own happiness looks like. It is easy to forget what my countenance looks like with a REAL smile. It is easy to forget what it feels like when my heart is happy.
How is it that I do not know who I am, or how to be happy? Well..... I've spent the last 20 or so years trying to hide - from others, but mostly from myself, and from my feelings. Hide from the pain and try to hide my fear from others. It is incredibly taxing to pretend constantly - pretend to be a whole person. I 've never been able to become a whole person. Is it too late when one is almost 30 to be the person I should've been? Could've been? Was supposed to be?
Oh, I'm sure Oprah and Dr. Phil would say it's never too late, but they don't live in the real world like the rest of us.
there is a billboard near my house that I pass from time to time that says "3 Words Every Rape Victim Needs to Hear: You Can Heal." I just am so doubtful that it is actually true. The wounds are too old - the fear too deeply rooted inside of me. I don't know how to behave like a normal person, because I never had the chance to be one.