Anastasia's Closet

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Oh...........I truly do not remember the last time I felt so mentally unstable. One of these days, I fear I will not be able to contain these unpleasantries - I fear that they will rear their ugly head in some place and at some time other than when I am alone. I simply do not have the will to fight it anymore, to be honest. And I am so incredibly sick of trying. It is so taxing.....
And I thought that once the stress of work had lessened, I would feel a lot better. But I don't. I feel worse now than I did before - I have nothing to focus on other than how miserable I am. There is nothing to ponder other than how fucked up I have let myself become - and how scared I am of the truth - and how scared I am to talk to anyone about the truth. Does it really matter to anyone why I am this way? Does anybody really give a shit WHY? no.
I just feel so strongly that if I completely disappeared right now, it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference to anyone other than my dog.
I can't even write this write now - I just want to vomit. I want to put myself out of this misery once and for all, because I am so incredibly sick of everything and everyone. Nothing brings me any joy anymore. I feel like I am about to hit bottom again, and I am not sure if I am going to come back up for air this time. I am sure I hate myself more than anyone else could ever hate me......... right? I loathe myself so much that I can't imagine that there is someone else out there that despises me this much. All I can think about right now is climbing into bed and never waking up. "Getting out of bed in the morning is an act of false confidence."
I can think of no better quote - no better way to sum up how I feel and have been feeling for quite some time.